STEVEN WRIGHT

1. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
2. I invented the cordless extension cord.
3. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
4. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
5. I lost a button hole. 
6. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
7. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
8. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
9. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
10. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once or twice.
• I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
• Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
• There aren't enough days in the weekend.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Is "tired old cliche" one?
• It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
• I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. 
• What are imitation rhinestones?
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
• I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
• I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
• I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
• I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
• I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
• While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
• I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
• My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
• A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
• The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
• Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
• I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
• I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
• I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it....
• When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
• My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it.
• I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
• The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
• Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
• I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
• I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
• I'm a peripheral visionary.