Funny Quotes

"I will have been successful in life if Leftists make pilgrimages to my grave to dance on it when I'm dead and buried." 
-Doug Harrison, Republican Liberty Caucus

"Not only does the tree of liberty need to be nourished now and then with the blood of patriots; it needs also to be decorated with the balls of obstructionist liberals on occasion."
-Doug Harrison, Republican Liberty Caucus

“Hey, why don't we send them ours? It worked well for us for over two hundred years. . . and we're not using it anymore.”
- Jay Leno, regarding the effort now underway to write a Constitution for Iraq, 8/04/2003

"Al Jazeera aired new footage of Osama bin Laden ... It's the usual stuff. Called Bush evil, called him the Great Satan, called him a warmonger. The same stuff we heard last night at the Democratic presidential debate."
- Tonight Show host Jay Leno, 9/9/03

"All the TV shows are full of Democrats all furious, criticizing President Bush for the State of the Union Address. They said he exaggerated some of the facts. See, that's something Bill Clinton never did. Clinton never stretched the truth; Clinton never even came close to the truth."
- Tonight Show host Jay Leno

"...former Vice President Al Gore says he's looking to develop a liberal cable TV and radio network...Gore says there's no outlet in this country for the liberal viewpoint. You know except ABC, NBC, CBS, HBO, Bravo, BET, Showtime, Lifetime, MTV, Oxygen, National Public Radio and IFC. Other than that, there's nothing!"
-Jay Leno, on June 19 Tonight Show

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."
- Chris Rock

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde